living with a loser

for all my life it seems that the only constant friend that god
bestowed on me had to be one who is a dumbass loser. I have shifted
stations (dad was in the army), changed schools, changed circle of
friends but he, he was my best friend, he would always tag along.
Now the thing about losers, you know people mis construe losers, the
ones who life hasn't really given anything, it is not fair to call
them losers, no that is the category of unfortunates, losers on the
other hand are those who have lost a full hand in poker just because
they didn't know how to call their hand, now those my dear friends
are losers.
So yes i was telling you about this buddy of mine. Now this chap, was
well not a very healthy kid, thin stickly but with loads of attitude.
I guess being thin and stickly makes you that way, You start feeling
afraid of everyone around, you feel you can't stick it up to others,
and then somewhere you forget that hey nobody is attacking you, its
just the fear of the possibility that makes you a sworn enemy of the
world. So you fight with what the world has given you, you shield
yourself with your brains and fast tongue.
Yet your shield is not strong enough, for at home their is a mother
who loves you, a pop who talks to you about life and logic, and you
have buddies who don't seem to care about your brains or your sharp
tongue.
But my dears, fear is one enemy who doesn't relent, he scares you
when you are on the stage, he scares you when you are off it. It
jolts you out of your comfort zone, when you are facing the cricket
ball you are afraid, you are afraid because the ball can hit you in
the face, you are afraid because you can't play well, it counts not
that your brains are well and strong, it counts that you can't sing.
And those worries make life less joyful for you, for what is a man
who is always afraid but a prisoner in his own prison.
To the world you seem smart and brainy, sometimes even witty, but you
guard from them your deepest fears and so they also see you as
reserved, awkward and snobbish.
And thus was my buddy, he wasn't very great looking but not very
unholy either, lanky built, smart but awkward and uncomfortable with
himself.
If one could put in the greatest tests that a man has to face in his
life, one would be to prove himself professionally, another to prove
himself socially, third to be a good father, fourth to find his own
self, but probably the most important of them all to find a woman for
himself, for in that one test all other five tests get incorporated.
But how can you win when you believe it to be morally impossible,
when you yourself believe to be a loser, the spirit dies and so does
the fight. You muse on life, people around you, you ponder on all the
rights and wrongs, but you find not a way to go forward for the hand
holding you back is your own.
And thus as you test your own heart and mind, what can you find but
loss, for the battle was lost years back, you just never admitted
defeat. So you cloak your defeat and keep waging the war, hoping
against hope to desperately win.
But my dear chap how long can you face away from the truth, one day
the wounds get deep enough and you feel tired, one day you lay down
your sword and say i give up.
And so one day this buddy of mine poured out his deepest secrets to
me.
'I give up old pal, it was never meant to be, i have the brains but
will never top, i am smart but will never be cool, yes i am witty and
fun but deep and intense too, yes i am desperate for a girl, i feel
lonely too, but i have nothing to offer just a heart like everyone
else...just like everyone else.'
...he smiles now more often...i think he's finally learning to lose
his fear...i think something worked like magic for him...think it was
these words...'but i have nothing to offer just a heart like everyone
else...just like everyone else.'