for all my life it seems that the only constant friend that god
bestowed on me had to be one who is a dumbass loser. I have shifted
stations (dad was in the army), changed schools, changed circle of
friends but he, he was my best friend, he would always tag along.
Now the thing about losers, you know people mis construe losers, the
ones who life hasn't really given anything, it is not fair to call
them losers, no that is the category of unfortunates, losers on the
other hand are those who have lost a full hand in poker just because
they didn't know how to call their hand, now those my dear friends
are losers.
So yes i was telling you about this buddy of mine. Now this chap, was
well not a very healthy kid, thin stickly but with loads of attitude.
I guess being thin and stickly makes you that way, You start feeling
afraid of everyone around, you feel you can't stick it up to others,
and then somewhere you forget that hey nobody is attacking you, its
just the fear of the possibility that makes you a sworn enemy of the
world. So you fight with what the world has given you, you shield
yourself with your brains and fast tongue.
Yet your shield is not strong enough, for at home their is a mother
who loves you, a pop who talks to you about life and logic, and you
have buddies who don't seem to care about your brains or your sharp
tongue.
But my dears, fear is one enemy who doesn't relent, he scares you
when you are on the stage, he scares you when you are off it. It
jolts you out of your comfort zone, when you are facing the cricket
ball you are afraid, you are afraid because the ball can hit you in
the face, you are afraid because you can't play well, it counts not
that your brains are well and strong, it counts that you can't sing.
And those worries make life less joyful for you, for what is a man
who is always afraid but a prisoner in his own prison.
To the world you seem smart and brainy, sometimes even witty, but you
guard from them your deepest fears and so they also see you as
reserved, awkward and snobbish.
And thus was my buddy, he wasn't very great looking but not very
unholy either, lanky built, smart but awkward and uncomfortable with
himself.
If one could put in the greatest tests that a man has to face in his
life, one would be to prove himself professionally, another to prove
himself socially, third to be a good father, fourth to find his own
self, but probably the most important of them all to find a woman for
himself, for in that one test all other five tests get incorporated.
But how can you win when you believe it to be morally impossible,
when you yourself believe to be a loser, the spirit dies and so does
the fight. You muse on life, people around you, you ponder on all the
rights and wrongs, but you find not a way to go forward for the hand
holding you back is your own.
And thus as you test your own heart and mind, what can you find but
loss, for the battle was lost years back, you just never admitted
defeat. So you cloak your defeat and keep waging the war, hoping
against hope to desperately win.
But my dear chap how long can you face away from the truth, one day
the wounds get deep enough and you feel tired, one day you lay down
your sword and say i give up.
And so one day this buddy of mine poured out his deepest secrets to
me.
'I give up old pal, it was never meant to be, i have the brains but
will never top, i am smart but will never be cool, yes i am witty and
fun but deep and intense too, yes i am desperate for a girl, i feel
lonely too, but i have nothing to offer just a heart like everyone
else...just like everyone else.'
...he smiles now more often...i think he's finally learning to lose
his fear...i think something worked like magic for him...think it was
these words...'but i have nothing to offer just a heart like everyone
else...just like everyone else.'
Monday, December 25, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
God i met her
i met her of all the places at a mandir, the famous siddhivinayak temple of mumbai, where the whole spectrum of our society from the rickshawallas to the actors and actoresses (lady actors in propah english) came to either wish for something or thank the holy lord for fullfulling their wishes. I hadn't noticed her in the milling crowd, but she had been noticing me for quite some time it seemed, and it was not usually in that order when it concerned a beautiful lady, but not to be flattered her interest in me was not something from my looks.
"You are out of place here aren't you."
I was standing at the stairs of the temple on my way to have a meeting with the holy one himself but i guess i was moving too slowly and uneasily against the general speed of the mileu in the temple crossroads for it to be evident to any observent onlooker that i didn't belong there, that i was lost.
"yeah i haven't done this in a long time. Have been living away from home for quite a few yrs, well today i guess i thought we could try this too."
"Come let me guide you then" She held out her right hand to me, her left still clutching her thaali, she had been on her way out but was willing to show me the way in. It would have taken a very strong force for anybody to have rejected that outstretched hand, i held out my left hand to hers and she led me in. Through the line, to the darshan, the prayers, the parsad and then out.
"So what made you come here today, what were you wishing for?"
"Actually nothing, i just wanted to relive the old memories of going to temple with folks. They live in delhi, i've been moving around for quite some time, doing it alone felt quite odd, today i thought what the heck,lets try it out. I guess plus then if i hadn't come here today you wouldn't have gotten a chance to be a good samaritan."
"Yeah right, you did look like a lamb on his way to slaughter though." she said with a charming smile.
"That bad, huh." i said with a chuckle.
She was wearing a pearly white saree with a one inch gold woven border, she was about 5'6",wheatish but more on the fair side, slim tender built but in proportion, and angelic face that shone with radiance, long straight tresses that reached just below the shoulder. I tell you now what she looked like because it would have been cruel to not tell you it, as it is you missed out on meeting her.
"So what do you otherwise?"
"Otherwise as in when i'm not getting lost in temples, well i'm supposed to be a kind of a young genius, i help brands re-establish themselves, a brand consultant is the term they use. Basically they pay me good amount of money to come in and with the dramaticisms of an oracle tell people where their brands are headed and what to do to help them. I'm only 23 and work less than one week in a day but make enough to be envied by many VPs. What do you do?"
"So presuming that you have done your one day stint for this week then it would be fair to assume that you have nothing to do for the rest of the week. So then what say wanna go to the beach, its almost sunset time?"
I had nothing to do, she was right on that account, and there is an unsaid rule that says you neve refuse a lady, so well we did hit the chowpatty on marine drive. The sun was almost setting, we headed out to the water's edge, more like she lead me there, i had to pace up to match her stride. She wasn't keen on chatting much at that time, her eyes were holding the setting sun in her gaze. She held on to my arm, a very firm grip, it was like she was talking to the sun.
With the last goodbyes to us mortals the sun took a dip into the ocean and the world turned dark. That one moment is so intense i doubt it fails to move anybody.
"Wanna have some thing i'm famished" Well it was my day to nod my head and thats what i did, i presumed she would talk when she felt like, so we grabbed a taxi and she told him to head for leopolds in colaba, nice joint especially made famous in the book shantaram. I guess it was the chilly chicken that opened her up, she hardly stopped yapping once she dove in.
"I like bombay, its a nice city, it a rich mix of abundance and poverty...and in both you can find such beauty, such love. Yesterday i went to this orphanage with little kids, played with them all afternoon. It's so easy connecting with kids"
She talked about nice stuff from all over the world, one kid she had met in manhattan's down town area, the graffiti he made, how she couldn't stop admiring it, she bought him a skateboard. Then there was this blind girl in england she used to sing old janis joplin songs. She went on and on about things here and there, i think wherever she went all she could notice were the nice things, she didn't mention the crime rate in new york or the cindering racism in europe, not the garbaged, corrupted state of india.
"You don't see the bad things around you do you?"
"Tell me do i look beautiful?"
In the list of direct questions i think this one would be right on the top of the list.
"Well i guess even a blind man would have to reply in the affirmative."
"You are nice with your words, but i don't have an exceptionally good face, yet i am beautiful, more like a morning flower. Guess my age."
"I would want to guess 23, that's more like my own, but u sound too mature, too confident to be 23, say 25. Lookswise though ask anybody u hardly look like you've crossed your teens, take you out of the saree, put you in a small top and jeans and one could send you to college."
"I 28 and in 3 days will touch 29"
She let the shock sink in before continuing, this time with a smile. "And if i had let the weariness of the world catch on to me then i am sure i would have looked much much older. Instead i prefer to radiate the beauty around."
"Wow, i'd have to say thats the first time i've come across somebody with that angle on life. You sure its not because of daily visit to a well equipped spa?"
"No i'd rather spend my money on pani puris."
"Hey wanna catch a movie, i think we'll still make it for the last show"
So we were off to the metro adlabs, the place was nice and rooted in history, now with upgradation by adlabs it was nicer. We caught a sallu flick, oh how she enjoyed it like a small kid, in the middle we even got into a popcorn fight, the hall was more or less empty so well nobody was there to get disturbed.
After that i went to drop her off to her hotel room. It was a three star kinda thingy i forget the name now, nice place, clean and decently efficient service. It looked like she hade made it her base, books sprawled about, lots of movie and music cds, and a couple of board games. She had made full use of the suite there.
"Better a suite in a three star than a room in a five star" she said with a grin.
"Yeah and its been used properly, how long have you been camping here"
"Almost about a month, last week left, after that its Germany"
"You've been all over the world, live out of hotel suites, what is it that you do, an heiress or something?"
She broke out laughing, got up went to the fridge and got a tub of Chunky monkey ice cream.
"Inquisitive are we, no not an heiress, something completely different. You wanna play the Xbox?"
So we spent the night eating ice cream, playing nfs, yapping. I told her about all the places i had been to as a kid when dad was in the army and she about her trip to egyp, the pyramids, the whole history of the pharaoahs really interested her, her eyes lit up as she told me one story after another. Some where in the night or early morning we fell asleep there in the hall itself.
I guess i woke up first, but she claims it was her but anyways it was well into the afternoon when we woke up, it was december time and the nice and breezy in the balcony, so we ordered for some pot roast and fresh orange juice.
"So you wanted to know what i do"
"well when i was about your age i was a trader on the capital market. I was also purported to be a genius on the market. did that stuff for two years, made a lot of moolah, then got bored. I didn't want to be doing that all my life."
She let it all sink in, the awe and all and then she continued "What i really wanted to do was see the world and enjoy sex, i enjoy it like there's no better pleasure in this world, so i became a prostitute."
I didn't actually drop everything but my speed of chewing on the chicken leg got slow, very slow. "Thats interesting, another new perspective i've come across, i used to think women found it disgusting as in being used and all."
She smiled "Yes they do because they are forced into it, abused like inanimate objects and thrown away. What i do however is by choice, with a select few. I enjoy sex like everyone else, probably much more, and i make the guy pay for it, big money that is. Fair deal."
"But don't you find it morally incongruent with the rest of the society?"
"The society yes, living in its own moral high grounds. We all sell some part of us, out time, labour, minds, i've just added body pleasure to the list. And if you look at all the actors and actresses so do they and get paid abnoxious amounts for it."
"They get paid for their art, acting skills as they call it"
"i'm sure we would not call the sex scenes as being free, they get paid for the art and their indulgence and they have to do it in front of the people all around. I do it for my own pleasure in private"
"But one day your beauty will decline and people will not be willing to shell out money for you, won't you be all lonely then?"
"I enjoy being with these kids, i'll probably join up as a volunteer somewhere, i was always the independent types don't think i want to ever get married or for that matter somebody would ever want to marry me."
"Hmmm interesting, so what about these people who are your clients, how do you come across them"
"Well the first time i started, there was this nice bar in Manhattan 'The Red Chilli', there was this nice looking guy sitting on the bar sipping a what else Manhattan, he had a lovely brown leather jacket on, smelt nice and his shoes were clean. I went and sat next to him and chatted him up, he bought me a round of drinks, we had dinner. He was fun to talk to, later he wanted to take me to his place. I told him that would cost him a prince's ransom. He pointed to the lamborghini in the parking, i'm sure we can rescue the princess. That was the most memorable one, but all of the people i have met have been nice, i think i have a little angel up there keeping me safe, that i only get to meet the nice ones."
We spent the next six days together, celebrated her b'day and all, all throughout though the mention of sex never came up between us. We fought, we played, we sometimes ended up sleeping in a cuddle but there was never a sexual energy between us. We went to museums, to orphanages to play with the kids, to hospitals to visit the cancer patients. Everywhere she went it was like she was taking the hope of the rising sun and shining it through into everybody around. We said goodbye on a Tuesday at the airport as she took off for Germany.
As i left the airport i had a smile on my face and i believe a radiance similar to the one i had seen on a pretty face recently...
We still correspond qutie frequently, she sends lovely postcards from all over.
"You are out of place here aren't you."
I was standing at the stairs of the temple on my way to have a meeting with the holy one himself but i guess i was moving too slowly and uneasily against the general speed of the mileu in the temple crossroads for it to be evident to any observent onlooker that i didn't belong there, that i was lost.
"yeah i haven't done this in a long time. Have been living away from home for quite a few yrs, well today i guess i thought we could try this too."
"Come let me guide you then" She held out her right hand to me, her left still clutching her thaali, she had been on her way out but was willing to show me the way in. It would have taken a very strong force for anybody to have rejected that outstretched hand, i held out my left hand to hers and she led me in. Through the line, to the darshan, the prayers, the parsad and then out.
"So what made you come here today, what were you wishing for?"
"Actually nothing, i just wanted to relive the old memories of going to temple with folks. They live in delhi, i've been moving around for quite some time, doing it alone felt quite odd, today i thought what the heck,lets try it out. I guess plus then if i hadn't come here today you wouldn't have gotten a chance to be a good samaritan."
"Yeah right, you did look like a lamb on his way to slaughter though." she said with a charming smile.
"That bad, huh." i said with a chuckle.
She was wearing a pearly white saree with a one inch gold woven border, she was about 5'6",wheatish but more on the fair side, slim tender built but in proportion, and angelic face that shone with radiance, long straight tresses that reached just below the shoulder. I tell you now what she looked like because it would have been cruel to not tell you it, as it is you missed out on meeting her.
"So what do you otherwise?"
"Otherwise as in when i'm not getting lost in temples, well i'm supposed to be a kind of a young genius, i help brands re-establish themselves, a brand consultant is the term they use. Basically they pay me good amount of money to come in and with the dramaticisms of an oracle tell people where their brands are headed and what to do to help them. I'm only 23 and work less than one week in a day but make enough to be envied by many VPs. What do you do?"
"So presuming that you have done your one day stint for this week then it would be fair to assume that you have nothing to do for the rest of the week. So then what say wanna go to the beach, its almost sunset time?"
I had nothing to do, she was right on that account, and there is an unsaid rule that says you neve refuse a lady, so well we did hit the chowpatty on marine drive. The sun was almost setting, we headed out to the water's edge, more like she lead me there, i had to pace up to match her stride. She wasn't keen on chatting much at that time, her eyes were holding the setting sun in her gaze. She held on to my arm, a very firm grip, it was like she was talking to the sun.
With the last goodbyes to us mortals the sun took a dip into the ocean and the world turned dark. That one moment is so intense i doubt it fails to move anybody.
"Wanna have some thing i'm famished" Well it was my day to nod my head and thats what i did, i presumed she would talk when she felt like, so we grabbed a taxi and she told him to head for leopolds in colaba, nice joint especially made famous in the book shantaram. I guess it was the chilly chicken that opened her up, she hardly stopped yapping once she dove in.
"I like bombay, its a nice city, it a rich mix of abundance and poverty...and in both you can find such beauty, such love. Yesterday i went to this orphanage with little kids, played with them all afternoon. It's so easy connecting with kids"
She talked about nice stuff from all over the world, one kid she had met in manhattan's down town area, the graffiti he made, how she couldn't stop admiring it, she bought him a skateboard. Then there was this blind girl in england she used to sing old janis joplin songs. She went on and on about things here and there, i think wherever she went all she could notice were the nice things, she didn't mention the crime rate in new york or the cindering racism in europe, not the garbaged, corrupted state of india.
"You don't see the bad things around you do you?"
"Tell me do i look beautiful?"
In the list of direct questions i think this one would be right on the top of the list.
"Well i guess even a blind man would have to reply in the affirmative."
"You are nice with your words, but i don't have an exceptionally good face, yet i am beautiful, more like a morning flower. Guess my age."
"I would want to guess 23, that's more like my own, but u sound too mature, too confident to be 23, say 25. Lookswise though ask anybody u hardly look like you've crossed your teens, take you out of the saree, put you in a small top and jeans and one could send you to college."
"I 28 and in 3 days will touch 29"
She let the shock sink in before continuing, this time with a smile. "And if i had let the weariness of the world catch on to me then i am sure i would have looked much much older. Instead i prefer to radiate the beauty around."
"Wow, i'd have to say thats the first time i've come across somebody with that angle on life. You sure its not because of daily visit to a well equipped spa?"
"No i'd rather spend my money on pani puris."
"Hey wanna catch a movie, i think we'll still make it for the last show"
So we were off to the metro adlabs, the place was nice and rooted in history, now with upgradation by adlabs it was nicer. We caught a sallu flick, oh how she enjoyed it like a small kid, in the middle we even got into a popcorn fight, the hall was more or less empty so well nobody was there to get disturbed.
After that i went to drop her off to her hotel room. It was a three star kinda thingy i forget the name now, nice place, clean and decently efficient service. It looked like she hade made it her base, books sprawled about, lots of movie and music cds, and a couple of board games. She had made full use of the suite there.
"Better a suite in a three star than a room in a five star" she said with a grin.
"Yeah and its been used properly, how long have you been camping here"
"Almost about a month, last week left, after that its Germany"
"You've been all over the world, live out of hotel suites, what is it that you do, an heiress or something?"
She broke out laughing, got up went to the fridge and got a tub of Chunky monkey ice cream.
"Inquisitive are we, no not an heiress, something completely different. You wanna play the Xbox?"
So we spent the night eating ice cream, playing nfs, yapping. I told her about all the places i had been to as a kid when dad was in the army and she about her trip to egyp, the pyramids, the whole history of the pharaoahs really interested her, her eyes lit up as she told me one story after another. Some where in the night or early morning we fell asleep there in the hall itself.
I guess i woke up first, but she claims it was her but anyways it was well into the afternoon when we woke up, it was december time and the nice and breezy in the balcony, so we ordered for some pot roast and fresh orange juice.
"So you wanted to know what i do"
"well when i was about your age i was a trader on the capital market. I was also purported to be a genius on the market. did that stuff for two years, made a lot of moolah, then got bored. I didn't want to be doing that all my life."
She let it all sink in, the awe and all and then she continued "What i really wanted to do was see the world and enjoy sex, i enjoy it like there's no better pleasure in this world, so i became a prostitute."
I didn't actually drop everything but my speed of chewing on the chicken leg got slow, very slow. "Thats interesting, another new perspective i've come across, i used to think women found it disgusting as in being used and all."
She smiled "Yes they do because they are forced into it, abused like inanimate objects and thrown away. What i do however is by choice, with a select few. I enjoy sex like everyone else, probably much more, and i make the guy pay for it, big money that is. Fair deal."
"But don't you find it morally incongruent with the rest of the society?"
"The society yes, living in its own moral high grounds. We all sell some part of us, out time, labour, minds, i've just added body pleasure to the list. And if you look at all the actors and actresses so do they and get paid abnoxious amounts for it."
"They get paid for their art, acting skills as they call it"
"i'm sure we would not call the sex scenes as being free, they get paid for the art and their indulgence and they have to do it in front of the people all around. I do it for my own pleasure in private"
"But one day your beauty will decline and people will not be willing to shell out money for you, won't you be all lonely then?"
"I enjoy being with these kids, i'll probably join up as a volunteer somewhere, i was always the independent types don't think i want to ever get married or for that matter somebody would ever want to marry me."
"Hmmm interesting, so what about these people who are your clients, how do you come across them"
"Well the first time i started, there was this nice bar in Manhattan 'The Red Chilli', there was this nice looking guy sitting on the bar sipping a what else Manhattan, he had a lovely brown leather jacket on, smelt nice and his shoes were clean. I went and sat next to him and chatted him up, he bought me a round of drinks, we had dinner. He was fun to talk to, later he wanted to take me to his place. I told him that would cost him a prince's ransom. He pointed to the lamborghini in the parking, i'm sure we can rescue the princess. That was the most memorable one, but all of the people i have met have been nice, i think i have a little angel up there keeping me safe, that i only get to meet the nice ones."
We spent the next six days together, celebrated her b'day and all, all throughout though the mention of sex never came up between us. We fought, we played, we sometimes ended up sleeping in a cuddle but there was never a sexual energy between us. We went to museums, to orphanages to play with the kids, to hospitals to visit the cancer patients. Everywhere she went it was like she was taking the hope of the rising sun and shining it through into everybody around. We said goodbye on a Tuesday at the airport as she took off for Germany.
As i left the airport i had a smile on my face and i believe a radiance similar to the one i had seen on a pretty face recently...
We still correspond qutie frequently, she sends lovely postcards from all over.
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